In this post I want to dive a little into the mental health aspect of health. In particular, I want to cover one topic that I find to be highly important- that is the topic of insecurity. Insecurity, I believe is a key factor underlying multiple emotional, relational, mental, behavioral and physical issues that occur in our lives. It can get in the way living a healthy life and therefore is and an issue worth exploring.

So what is insecurity? The Oxford Dictionary describes insecurity as "uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; a lack of confidence". To describe it in my own words, I believe insecurity is a lack of understanding, belief or awareness of ones intricate value and purpose. I believe each person holds value regardless of their past or present actions or circumstances. Though all people are valuable, factors such as life circumstances, social oppression, internal thought battles, words that have been spoken when they shouldn’t have or not spoken when they should have can form cracks in a persons self-identity and worth. Sometimes these cracks are so large that we have no knowledge of our worth- just negativity, fear, pain and confusion. As humans, we naturally want to protect ourselves from harm and so we cover these cracks with certain defenses. These defenses display themselves in many forms but are rooted in insecurity. Here are a few examples of how insecurity can surface itself.

1) PEOPLE PLEASING. By people pleasing, I mean adjusting your behavior around people to avoid any form of conflict or rejection and to receive approval. You continue to search for ways to please people out of a fear of rejection or a need to feel 'liked' and appreciated. There is nothing wrong with having a desire to serve people and meet their needs. What is behind this action is what is important to look at. Are you trying to please others out of a selfless attitude that wants to build them up and brighten their day? Are you trying to please others to get something in return? Are you trying to please others because you need them to like you in order to feel good about yourself? The latter is often an act of insecurity. When there are cracks in your sense of self worth, other people’s reactions to you can enter those cracks. In other words, you attribute your value, or a part of your value to how others see you. If someone likes you, you feel better. If someone does not like you or in some way rejects you, you feel worse. You will try to avoid that latter feeling by orchestrating situations to get a positive response from people. This is tiring and can often leave people feeling burnt out, drained and resentful. Confidence and security holds an awareness that ones value lies beyond what others think or perceive of them. You can leave a situation of rejection and assess what you may have done wrong or what you may need to change, as well as understand that there may be things about that other person that need to change, however that is not your role. Your confidence remains because you know your worth is not determined by people’s perceptions or acceptance. I am not saying there won't be an emotional response. A confident person may still feel hurt attached to rejection, but their sense of self is not shattered.

2) ARROGANCE: Someone who displays arrogance and a lack of humility may actually be defending against insecurities. For example, psychological theory behind clinical narcissism is that the person is defending against an extremely weak sense of self. Due to that extreme insecurity, the narcissist cannot attach any negativity to themselves without crumbling, and so will project weaknesses or negatives onto others while seeing themselves in an unrealistic, grandiose, 'puffed up' light. It is a wall of protection they have formed to cover up extreme insecurity. In psychology terms, this is their “false self”. Though clinical narcissism is is an extreme example, there are aspects of this behavior that we can find ourselves adopting at times in defense of certain insecurities we hold. Though often perceived as weakness, it in fact takes strength and confidence to be humble- to acknowledge and accept both your strengths and weaknesses while remaining whole and secure. A secure person can accept negatives about themselves because they view them as separate from their innate value. Though arrogance and confidence are often mixed up by people, they are in fact in contradiction to one another.

3) PRIDE AND DEFENSIVENESS. This can go hand in hand with the above paragraph of arrogance however also has some differences. I will use myself as an example for this one. Many times when I receive negative feedback such as an observation of a mistake I made or an aspect of my behavior that needs to change I put up a wall of defense. Many of my arguments with my husband stem from defending against things I myself need to change because I don’t want to hear it (or vice versa...). My immediate reaction is to formulate excuses and rationalizations for my behavior or attitude stemming from a desire to avoid being seen in a negative light. At times I have made up complete lies just to avoid a negative critique being attached to me. In addition to external assessment, insecurity can cause me to defend against self-assessment. I will rationalize intentions and actions in my head or make up lies in an effort to avoid self-critique. Insecurity turns self-critique into an attack against my value rather than a healthy tool for growth. It takes confidence and security to hear negative feedback and process it in a healthy manner. Not all negative feedback is accurate, but a confident person can hear it, process it and decide what they need to change and what in fact may not be true and they can discard. Hearing negative feedback won’t make a secure person crumble because it doesn't define them. I am definitely not perfect at this, but just having an awareness of the role insecurity plays in my reactions can help me make efforts to push past the pride and try to accurately self assess with humility. It doesn't come naturally, it is a conscious choice I make because I know that pride and defensiveness will prevent me from growing in maturity and character.

There are many other ways insecurity surfaces in our lives and It will be too long to write a paragraph for each one! To briefly list some other examples, insecurity can surface in negative thoughts towards self/self attacking or loathing, unhealthy dependency on others, fear to step out & take risks or chances, inability to forgive yourself or others, fear to speak up when needed, avoiding stepping through doors of opportunity, self doubt, a lack of life goals and ambitions, easily taking offense, poor eating, giving up, receiving what is said to you by others through an inaccurate or skewed lens, inaction out of fear of failure, unhealthy relationship choices, compromising your values for fear of rejection, negative self-talk, anxiety and much more. I am not saying that whenever you see or experience any of the above you should always diagnose it as “insecurity”. What I am saying is that insecurity can lead to these things and so it important to spend time investing in developing your self worth and confidence. So how do we do this?

For me, investing in my understanding of my value has been through my spiritual journey and faith- holding a belief that I was created with purpose and value and am loved unconditionally. The “fathers love letter” has been helpful to read when I feel doubt about my worth. Other helpful means to develop self-confidence could be through counseling/therapy to confront how the past has impacted on your present. Counseling can help you explore your beliefs about your value and work towards restructuring these beliefs into a more accurate and positive account. It can help heal the cracks in your sense of self so it becomes stronger and more secure.

Additionally, make efforts to become more conscious of your thoughts and reactions to situations. Be mindful. It is easy to critique others and see their role in how you are feeling. It takes more effort to self assess your own role in a situation- regardless of how at fault the other person was. Questions to ask yourself could include:

What false belief do I hold about myself that is causing me to react this way”?

What is it that is making me chase after this person’s approval?

What was it in me that caused me so feel so offended?

What is making me so afraid to apply for this job?

What is making me stay with this person even though they are abusive or devalue me?

Why am I treading on eggshells around this person?

Why am I afraid to speak honestly in this situation?

Why do I feel like running away from this opportunity?

To summarize, confidence and a strong sense of self-worth are important for many aspects of your life: Important to be able to separate others opinions of you from your value. Important for making healthy relationship decisions. Important for being able to take direction and correction. Important for healthy communication- both in how you express yourself and in how you receive information. Important for developing increased ambition and taking risks towards life goals and dreams. Important for confronting fear and doubt. Important for health! Do whatever it takes to invest in developing a healthy sense of self that is secure and confident. We will never be perfectly secure, but we should continue to aim towards this. Invest in it, grow in it and value it. Learn to love yourself unconditionally!